starting again...

Protetto: I really shouldn’t complain…

Kiara — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 11:26:37 +0000

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Kiara — Wed, 17 Jan 2007 20:57:45 +0000

i think i had a little fight with jay. about new year’s resolutions. not something i even feel strongly about. and it’s bugging me, b/c i feel like he’s getting annoyed with me in general, and i don’t want to push him away even more. i’m very fond of him, and i don’t have many friends to begin with, i don’t want to lose ppl who seem to get me on some level. no one gets me as much as i’d like them to, but still.

jay, unlike some ppl from my past, won’t hold grudges, won’t shut me out. but i still feel bad. don’t want to insult him. don’t want to take my issues out on him.

‘oh what’s the matter with me?’

unreliable.

Kiara — Sat, 13 Jan 2007 08:38:31 +0000

when you meet the right girl, you forget everything. atleast, that’s how i know when my friends have met ‘the one’. no one else seems to exist, atleast temporarily. slowly they begin to realize that they live in a world outside their s.o., and slowly begin to include us in their lives. but it’s never the same. never can be i guess.

p is not b ‘s ‘one’. i know it, he knows it, she knows it. so it baffles me why they’re still together. unfortunately, i think erica is l’s ‘one’. it’s obvious that she’s always on his mind. always. i suppose it ought to be touching that he woke up early and came to see me before i left. came to the airport. but none of it matters, does it? it’s not about me at all, it’s about him, about him not wanting to be a bad person.

So so far in 2007: shitty new year’s being contacted by my stupid ex who couldn’t care less, got drunk around undergrads who don’t drink, watched said ex with gf clearly being in love w/her, had all my friends ditch me at a party to go hook up with girls (at least girls they really like), had eunhee stand me up by not bothering to contact me at all a/b going out – so i’m a good back up is it when no one else is around in leiden? lovely. what i always wanted to be. no wait, what i always am.

the only year worse than 2007 so far is 2004. and even that got good after a while. fuck it all.

What I Want

Kiara — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:31:14 +0000

Antun to contact me in some way. To prove to me investing in him (rather than the millions of other ppl intersted in me) wasn’t a waste. And to prove that when a guy says he likes you and seems sincere…he can actually be trusted. Because I am frustrated as hell with him now, and I blame me more than him.
L to not come to Boston. I know that won’t happen, but I am not okay with seeing him. Do I want him to be happy? Yes, more than I want to admit. But I have no desire to hear from him ever again.
People in general to either a) stop being stupid or b) leave me the hell alone. Preferably the latter since the former is never going to happen.
To actually want to see ppl (read: my best friends). Because right now it seems like more of a chore than something I’m excited about. Probably because I don’t have much in common with them anymore. Sad but true…
Travel, travel, travel. People you meet while traveling are far more interesting that people staying at home, talking about the kind of diamonds they want in their rings. Who the fuck cares?!?!?!?!
People to leave me alone. 24 hours by myself, to do what I want. Why is that so hard????

the magic is gone

Kiara — Thu, 14 Dec 2006 18:27:14 +0000

i need to say something about my life, but i’m not sure what or where to start. life is still very frustrating. i still don’t understand boys. perhaps i should just go through the list…

l: decided to im me the day after thanxgiving – to wish me a happy thanksgiving. talked for like 2 seconds until i decided i needed to get drunk. i don’t want to talk to him – i guess that’s new for me. i need to move on and quite frankly, if we can’t have a real friendship, i don’t want a stupid superficial one. and what is he doing thinking a/b me during holidays anyways? wasn’t it over thanxgiving that he realized he was still in love w/his ex anyways?

luke: still lives across the hall, still not sure why he’s with anya. but i don’t care anymore so i guess it’s all good on that front.

anthony: boy i met in croatia. really cute, claimed he liked me. actually texted me, probably so he didn’t feel bad for not calling me. i decided i wanted to make this one actually work – stupid me. sent me a text 1 am wednesday morning saying he lied to me a/b being 23, he’s actually 20. i believe his exact wording of the txt was: ‘Ok something about me.I lied to you,am 20 not 23,i like few years older girls than i am,me and Bozo have a club in Orasac,place where i live,i play guitar and am very good at,i had a lot of girls but only 2,3 real girlfriends i loved,my ex girlfriend was 26, i lost my verginity when i was 13,am a very good cooker,i now lots about computers and of course like to go out with my friends when ever i can,i worked as a dj in my club for a year and i dont know these are the basic stuffs about me,maybe i told you some stuffs i shouldnt but i want to be honest to you”

Okay, where do I start with this? If he wants to be honest, why did he lie in the first place? Why won’t he respond to my texts since then? And am I okay with a guy who lies to me? Okay, I know the answer to that one but he is cute, and I do want a boyfriend. I wish he would respond so we could figure this out. If he really does ‘want to be honest to me’, why won’t he contact me so we could work this out??? *sigh*

Leidein issues: I decided to stay for the rest of the year, got it cleared from my firm if I can pull of being at Georgetown and graduating on time, but I’m not entirely sure I can. People have sent me e-mails saying they’re glad I’ll be back, but I don’t know how accurate that is…and I’m not sure what to do about my life here. Cat is kinda driving me up the wall a/b Nick, I just don’t understand Nick at all, and people in general need to go away. I think I need another vacation by myself…without falling or wanting to fall for another cute boy.

Why is it so god damned difficult to find someone who likes me, isn’t afraid to admit it, and is a plain, simple good guy?

i had a dream

Kiara — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 07:14:46 +0000

it contained levi still dating erica. maybe he is, who knows? and phil was there, and they worked stuff out and now they’re friends again. and jay was there observing, keeping the peace. and after it was settled that they were friends, they gave out letters to ppl to let them know of the happy occasion. i got a letter – i guess i should be glad that they thought of me.

i don’t know what brought the dream on. maybe knowing levi & astro visited jay and he was in boston, probably hanging out w/kendall & erica. maybe that julius im’d me yesterday, talked a/b his new czech gf. oh in the dream i ran into kleber who didn’t avoid me outwardly but still didn’t really talk. i know what that’s about…

*sigh* i do think i need a bf. i wish i was in a place in my life where i could have one.

who woulda guessed…

Kiara — Sun, 24 Sep 2006 13:51:08 +0000

he is trying to ‘acquire’ alice as his gf. *sigh*

Kiara — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 08:18:49 +0000

it’s hard, sometimes. wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with. if i can possibally join him. i miss him alot when he’s not around, but i don’t want to search him out b/c i feel like it would be bad for me. i feel like i need to not be around him to keep my sanity. but then i’m just happier when i’m around him. and the dream last night didn’t help. i wish dreams were a reflection of reality rather than simply what i want reality to be.

i think i’ll stay in tonight as well.

Kiara — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 23:48:40 +0000

Obviously I have a thing for Luke. Does it bug me he’s going out w/Alice on Sunday? Yes. But what bugs me even more is that he won’t hang out with me. Just me. He does everything to avoid me, or so it seems to my paranoid mind. Doesn’t help that I farted in front of him today…I keep screwing everything up. I don’t want to date him – I don’t think I could handle him. But I do want to be a good friend – I mean a good friend. The way I couldn’t be for Jacob. To make it up to him somehow.

I’m losing my friendship w/Pari, but for some reason I don’t care. Mostly b/c she doesn’t need me. And didn’t care when I told her I called Jacob. That’s big for me, thank you. And not a word? Now there’s friendship.

Oh, and I checked my voice mail for my US address. Levi called, said he’d e-mail. Did he? Of course not.

I think, despite everything, I still hate my life. I have to make too much of an effort, and with such a big effort, it doesn’t seem like anything is real. Like anything is for me rather than forced from me. Perhaps I just need to become a hermit…

Kiara.

Kiara — Sun, 03 Sep 2006 21:11:24 +0000

Just saw pics of his gf before he came here. She’s pretty. They look good together. And I can tell he misses her. Kinda makes me sad that no one really thinks of me that way (well, I know Jacob did once upon a time, I think…). But also glad he’s not thinking of the Kazakstan girl. She was nice, but just not good enough for him. Although by him, I’m not sure if I mean Jacob or Luke…

His ex-gf looks remarkably like the girl Jacob is dating now. Why do I still feel like I’m running on a hamster wheel?